How to Cope with Workplace Bullies, Difficult Customers and Challenging Bosses

Updated June 30, 2021

One of the most distressing situations we encounter at work is the feeling of being bullied. It can leave us feeling demoralised, alienated, and confused. All of this can make it exceedingly tricky to decide what to do. We can end up in our own heads, questioning every action, word or look from the bully (or bullies) we’re facing.

If you're in the thick of it, the best thing you can do is to take a step back and gain some objectivity. Take the higher ground. The last thing you want to do is jump to conclusions or make a rash decision, which may only make the situation worse.

How to know if you’re being bullied at work

We all view the world in our own way. Our perspective is shaped by many different factors, such as our personality and culture. For example, what one person thinks is funny or affectionate, could be deemed offensive by someone else. Behavioural and belief expectations also vary across industries, organisations and professions.

Consider first if you are misreading the situation – try to see the world through the eyes of the person who you feel is giving you a hard time (a little empathy can go a long way).

Are you really being bullied? Identifying bullying can be a difficult process. To help, the New Zealand government has outlined the following criteria for identifying a bully

Some signs of bullying at work may include:

• You being excluded from team meetings or activities

• Someone consistently taking credit for your work

• Someone spreading false rumours about you

• Someone swearing or yelling at you.

To be considered ‘workplace bullying’, these types of behaviour need to be repeated and unreasonable.

If you have indeed had the misfortune to cross paths with a bully, weigh up just how serious the situation is. When you are being negatively impacted by someone else's behaviour, it can be tough to stay objective. You need to strip out your emotional bias by looking just at the facts.

Stanford professor and organisational psychologist Bob Sutton, author of "The A--hole Survival Guide: How to Deal With People Who Treat You Like Dirt,"*1 recommends crafting your own strategy to deal with workplace jerks:

How long does it last?

Is it a temporary situation? Are you dealing with someone who is just having a bad day? Or are they a 'certified a--hole' as Sutton calls people whose repeated bad behaviour negatively affects others?

Is it one person or many?

Is it just one person or a group of people going out of their way to make your life difficult? Has it even spread throughout the company?

What is the level of damage?

Perform a self-diagnosis to decide how much damage is being done to you. For example, are you thick-skinned enough to live with it or are you more sensitive and need to take action to protect yourself?

Deciding how to handle a distressing work situation

Once you have assessed what impact the problem is having on you, you'll be in a better position to determine what, if anything, you should do about it.

Sutton advocates four main options in his Stanford speakers’ talk on ‘How to Outwit Workplace Jerks’: 

1. Make a clean getaway

The last thing you want to do is jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. If leaving will have a detrimental effect, consider other avenues available to you, such as moving to another role within the same company.

However, if you are being severely affected by the situation and can leave, that may be a good option.

In short, it might be satisfying to tell your boss to stick it, but is it the smartest option in the long term? 

2. Avoidance techniques

Limiting your exposure to toxic people has been proven to reduce their influence over you. So what measures can you take to limit how much contact you have with someone nasty?

Perhaps that means not answering each of their emails right away. Instead, let them pile up before responding with a short, civil reply. Maybe it means physically avoiding them whenever possible.

Think about when most of your contact is with them and what you can do to reduce it. 

3. Reframing: Mind tricks that protect your soul

Cognitive behaviour therapy can help you change your definition of a situation to not affect you as much. For example, one technique would be to create an emotional detachment between yourself and the bully. This can help reduce the impact of someone who you feel is mistreating you. 

4. Fighting back

You may be tempted to jump straight to this last point, but you need to be strategic about it, and you need to know what type of bully you are up against.

Perhaps they are unaware of their unintentionally toxic behaviour and would be open to a private conversation.

Alternatively, if you're dealing with a Machiavellian personality, where they see kindness as weakness, openly confronting them may be a better choice.

You also need to be sure how far your influence reaches – how much sway do you hold? Do you have good documentation to prove your case? Finally, who else will back you up? It's incredible how quickly people vanish like smoke when you really need them!

Know when to get help

The most effective approach is to enlist the help of a professional who specialises in resolving difficult, distressing and confusing situations in the workplace. As a work-life coach, I can set you on the right path and provide ongoing support.

Together, we can formulate effective strategies to help you survive and thrive. From finding the right coping techniques to soothe your soul and helping you pivot to a new position if needed, I’ll be there when you need me.

References:

*1 Robert I Sutton, The Asshole Survival Guide, (USA: Penguin, 2017).

Related content…