Ask Rachel: How do I stop my manager from making snarky comments towards me?
Last updated August 12, 2021
“How do I stop my manager from making snarky comments towards me and my colleagues?”
Dear anon,
Putting up with snarky remarks from anyone, never mind your boss, takes a lot of energy and enjoyment out of your day. It is a difficult situation to be in.
When people make snarky remarks at somebody, they are intending to criticize and undermine the other person. Often, this is simply them trying to make themselves feel better at your expense but other times it is, unfortunately, more intentional.
Remember, even though what they are saying could be hurtful, demeaning and embarrassing, it reveals a lot more about them than you!
The problem is that as soon as your boss says something snarky to you, you will experience a rush of emotion. This will happen before you even get the chance to think. So the first thing you need to master is learning to breathe through this rush. Breathe until you feel calm - this pause is your friend. Mastering this will help you take the following steps.
What You Can Do Next
Ignore them. Pretend you didn't hear the remark.
If you can, respond to what your boss was saying before the snarky remark - even if you are repeating yourself. Try not to show the remark has upset you.
If you find this too hard, excuse yourself and regain your composure. By keeping calm and ignoring their comments, you are maintaining your professional image.
Use a smokescreen. This is the classic politician's response. Simply change the subject and move on to another topic. Start your next comment with “And….” This is a neurological trick that will grab your bosses attention and ensure they listen to you.
Pretend you don’t understand what your boss said. By making out their comment doesn't make sense and exploring what they meant, you will take all the venom out of it.
When you do respond, use this technique called 'labelling'.
For example, “[their comment] seems to be important to you” or “it sounds like you are worried about this”.
Wait for their answer. Then, respond by using questions beginning with “what...". This will give you more information and may be quite revealing.
When you have asked enough questions, and have a better idea of what they are getting at, move on to a question that begins with “how”. This will move the thrust of your conversation into problem solving and away from unhelpful comments. For example: “how can we move forward?” .
Have a face to face conversation with your boss in private. If you're finding that your boss is constantly making disparaging remarks and that none of the above tactics work, ask to speak with them privately.
Meet somewhere public such as a cafe or an office breakout space. Thank them for meeting with you, and tell them you would like to discuss what they have said. Use a couple of examples.
Then ask that, going forward, they keep their focus on the work at hand and away from this kind of comment. Get their agreement. Let them know that the next time it happens you will be forced to escalate this (ideally to your boss's manager).
Ok, so now you have some responses to try when your boss next makes a snarky remark. It might not feel comfortable at first, but the more you practice, the more normal it will feel.
Now let's talk don'ts.
Here’s What Not To Do
React in the same way. This only ends in you coming off worse. Don’t try to give as good as you get or think up a flippant come back comment. You will only look unprofessional.
Assume it’s an insult. Sometimes we do have thinner skin than is helpful. Before you do make any assumptions, ask yourself 'am I overreacting?' or 'have I misread the situation?'.
Feel obligated to laugh or play along. Sometimes when we are confronted by uncomfortably offensive comments made by others, we are unsure what to do so we play along. Unfortunately, this is collusion, not politeness, and collusion only gives the offensive party or bully permission to continue.
Taking any one of these approaches may feel like a huge challenge when it is a colleague… never mind your boss! Your boss has more power that you do and you may be afraid of how standing up to them might cause things to deteriorate. However, since the situation is probably already pretty bad right now, learning to stand up for yourself is important. Developing this capability is a necessary life-long skill that will stand you in good stead. And who knows, you may even earn more respect from you manager.
Should you find yourself unable to do any of these things, or should you find that things aren’t changing for the better, then the obvious choice is to find another job. Stop putting up with behaviour that is undermining your confidence and making your life miserable.
If you feel you have to stay because of your financial situation, as is often the case, then work out an escape plan. Work out how much time you need between leaving your job and finding another; identify how much money you need to pay your bills for that length of time and start creating your escape fund. Just taking this step will help you to feel better because you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for reaching out to me and I hope this helps you to respond to those comments from your boss.
Best,
Rachel
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