How to deal with bullies in the workplace
Tactics to help you survive an onslaught
Imagine, you're going about your workday as usual. A little bit stressed, getting through tasks, and then you get a call from your boss. The conversation is flowing normally and then suddenly, it hits. That comment, decision, action. All of a sudden, you have been hit by a tonne of bricks. It stops you in your tracks, your brain begins to go on hyperdrive and you just don't know what to say next.
Fight or flight kicks in.
Next thing you know, the phone call has ended and you spend the rest of the day thinking and thinking about what happened. Mentally reliving the moment and preparing yourself for the next time they say something.
The problem is that as soon as your boss says something snarky to you, you will experience a rush of emotion. This will happen before you even get the chance to think. So the first thing you need to master is learning to breathe through this rush. Breathe until you feel calm - this pause is your friend. Mastering this will help you choose the best course of action.
Learning the best way to respond to these moments isn't easy. Constantly receiving critical remarks like this is bound to impact your enjoyment of work. So, below I will outline two key techniques for managing your bully boss, colleague, client or associate.
Remember, even though what they are saying could be hurtful, demeaning and embarrassing, it reveals a lot more about them than you!
Technique 1: Avoiding the bully
If the person in question is often near you, try to move away. Whether in a face to face conversation or at your desk. As much as you can, try to get out of rhythm with their routine. And if you can’t, slow it down. Arrive later or earlier than them, and take the opportunity to distance work as often as you can when they are in the office. If you and your colleagues all experience challenging interactions with a boss or client, try to ‘share the exposure’ so that one person is not dealing with it all. Tag team.
If possible, it helps to identify supportive colleagues or managers you will have your back or who can shield you from some of the attacks you are receiving.
If you find your ‘attacker’, is getting gratification out of your reaction. Try to wait as long as you can to respond, and deny the enjoyment they get out of making comments to you. If this is over email or text, wait as long as you can to respond.
In situations where you find yourself feeling invisible except for when you have done something deemed wrong, use your ‘invisibility’ to your strength. Be quiet, do the boring work and hide behind a blank or bland expression. This solution is great short term, to help you stay safe in a difficult situation whilst you work out a way to leave or find a new job.
Identify a safe zone, whether a quiet place in the office or the local coffee shop down the road that you can visit regularly.
Technique 2: Reframing the bully’s actions
How you choose to view the bully and talk to yourself about them, will make a big difference to your overall mental wellbeing. Comfort yourself by reminding yourself that you aren’t crazy. It’s more than likely that other people are experiencing this behaviour from the bully.
If you can safely talk to others experiencing the same thing as you, tell yourself that you have each other. That you aren’t alone.
You’re not to blame, don’t take it personally. Reframe their behaviour towards you as the bully’s problem, it’s their choice they act as they do. They are the ones who need to take responsibility for their behaviour, not you.
Try downplaying the threat. You are stronger than them, you are resilient. You have faced much worse. Who does that bully even think they are? They are a wimp compared to someone else, somewhere else.
Focus on what is good about that person or the situation. What’s the positive in the scenario? Perhaps you are still benefiting in some way, perhaps the bully does have some good characteristics about them. There may even be something humorous about their behaviour, maybe there is a funny side.
You can take this further by detaching from the situation. When you see them, put on an oscar-winning performance. You do not care about them, you have other, way more important things going on right now than their behaviour. Create an imaginary scenario when you see them, perhaps imagine they aren’t there, or that you are a detective curiously trying to uncover how big their ego really is. Surely they can’t actually believe they are a gift to this world? Give them as little of you as possible, don’t let them touch you.
Be the bigger, better person. Go high when they go low. Don’t hold a grudge, forgive them. Apply empathy, and try to understand where they are coming from. Why do you think they feel or act that way towards you and others? It’s better for you to forgive and forget, to let go and focus on more productive, helpful thoughts.
Reflect on how you will view this situation in a few weeks, months and years. Will it seem like a big deal? Everything feels better with time.
What not to do with bullies in the workplace
Don’t immediately act on your emotions. When you come face to face with the bully, you’re in a high stakes situation. Your emotions are running high, and they’ve hijacked your rational thinking. Acting immediately on what you think and feel will be clouded by fear and anger and trying to survive.
Think about it. How often has a fight or flight reaction in the workplace worked for anyone? At worse, this means confronting your boss, colleague, associate, client… or storming out of a meeting halfway through. It’s not this kind of behaviour that screams ‘I deserve a promotion!’, and it’s likely to make things worse.
In this moment your brain is trying to protect you, but your immediate instinct is likely wrong. Take a breather, the opportunity to slow the situation down. You’re in a game of chess with the bully, and taking time to decipher your next move will keep you playing.
You cannot change your aggressor's behaviour. Any attempts to weaken them or to make them look foolish are unlikely to get you the result you desire (a change in their behaviour) and is more likely to exacerbate the situation. Many make the mistake of trying to orchestrate revenge or trying to make their bully look stupid. This is a waste of energy, not to mention distracting you from getting your work done; don’t get sucked in. It will most likely make the bully more hostile towards you. And be warned, confronting your attacker, or trying to embarrass them will backfire and make you the a**hole.
Stop trying to please them. It’s no use falling over yourself to try and make somebody like you. If you find yourself falling into this pattern of thinking, talk to the allies in your life, your mentor or coach. A wise advisor will give you guidance on how to handle this without falling into the drama triangle. But beware of those in power within your organisation, senior management, HR, may not be the best source of guidance because they will feel the dilemma of who to believe and how to balance this with organisational requirements.
The truth is, dealing with a bully is a highly complex situation and there are many factors to take into account. There are power dynamics at play here and immediately acting upon your hurt or angry feelings won’t necessarily help. The world around you will not change, but your own behaviour and actions will help you build resilience, and see things in new ways. If you’d like to talk more about how to improve your experience of work, schedule a free online conversation with me.
